Chen’s Journey: From Darkness to Purpose - How I Reclaimed My Life from Addiction

Chen’s Journey: From Darkness to Purpose - How I Reclaimed My Life from Addiction

A Love Lost, A Life Shattered

Hi, my name is Chen, and I am a person in recovery. This is my story.

When I was 19, I thought I had my future figured out. I was engaged to the woman I loved, and we were expecting a child together. It should have been the happiest time of my life, but instead, it turned into my breaking point. Before our child was even born, she broke off the engagement, shattering my world in an instant.

I was devastated, angry, lost. I fought desperately to stay involved in my son’s life, but my pain turned into resentment, and that resentment fueled my worst impulses. Instead of focusing on how to be a father, I poured all my energy into conflict. I pushed too hard, and before long, the mother of my child wanted nothing to do with me.

That was the moment I felt completely alone. The people around me believed I was a deadbeat, and aside from one loyal friend, I had no one to turn to. I carried the weight of that judgment, letting it crush me further into isolation. I didn’t recognize myself anymore.

Then, I met someone new - a friend who used cocaine. He warned me about it, told me it was a dangerous road. But at that point, I didn’t care. I just wanted to feel different. So, I convinced him to let me try it. And in that moment, nothing else mattered.

The Highs, The Lows, and The Basement Suite

The first time I did cocaine, it numbed everything. The heartbreak, the shame, the anger - it all disappeared. For the first time in what felt like forever, I felt alive. The rush made me feel awake, passionate, excited. It was like flipping a switch that let me escape from the life I didn’t want to face.

What started as party nights and good times slowly turned into addiction. Before I knew it, ten years had passed. By the end, I wasn’t partying anymore. I wasn’t going out with friends or having fun. I was alone, holed up in a dark basement suite with blackout curtains, spending thousands of dollars a month on cocaine. The thing that once made me feel alive had drained every last piece of life from me. I knew I wanted to stop. I knew I didn’t want to live like this anymore. But knowing and doing are two very different things.

The Weight of Shame and Self-Forgiveness

If there was one thing I had learned through all my interactions with other people struggling with addiction, it was this: deep down, we are all carrying something we hate about ourselves. For me, it was that I had let my life go down a path that didn’t include my son. That realization was unbearable. I had built my own prison of shame, convinced that I was beyond redemption. And I knew if I wanted to change, I had to start with forgiving myself. But self-forgiveness isn’t a switch you can flip. It’s a process. I had to remind myself - I wasn’t that scared 20-year-old kid anymore. He was lost. He was alone. He didn’t know how else to cope. And punishing myself for his mistakes wasn’t going to help me heal.

Relapse and the Final Wake-Up Call

I wish I could say that realization was enough to keep me clean. But it wasn’t. I managed to cut down - from daily use to once a month. I convinced myself I had it under control. I got cocky. And before I knew it, I was spiraling again. I started hiding from my best friends, telling them I was "too busy with work" to hang out. In reality, I was ashamed. These were the people who had been proud of me, who had believed in me. And I didn’t want to disappoint them. So I lied. I lied to the people who mattered most, the ones who had always been there for me. And that guilt? It only pushed me deeper into my addiction.

Then came the last night I ever did cocaine. That night, something in me cracked. I sat down and wrote myself a letter. In it, I listed: The things I wanted out of life. The things I didn’t need. What truly made me happy. That letter was my turning point. Because for the first time, I wasn’t just looking at what I needed to quit - I was looking at what I needed to start.

Building a New Life, One Small Act at a Time

I had spent so many years chasing an escape, looking for something outside myself to fill the void. But what if the answer wasn’t about escaping? I decided to create the life I actually wanted to live. It started small. I focused on what made me feel genuinely good. At the time, I was a server at a restaurant, and I realized my happiest moments came when I could make a customer’s night better. That connection, that kindness, that impact - that was what I had been missing. So, I decided to expand on it.

Once a day, I did something small to make someone else feel good. I told a bus driver, "I appreciate the work you do." I bought dinner for a customer who was the happiest, most polite person I had met in a long time. I surrounded myself with positive people who were living the kind of life I wanted. I started going to the gym, eating healthy, and actually leaving my house. And something incredible happened. The more positivity I put out, the more positivity I attracted. Slowly, my life started filling up with meaning again.

The Opposite of Addiction is Connection

Today, I’m not just clean. I’m thriving. I’m not just "staying sober" - I’m actively building a life that excites me. I’ve reached a point where I’m not just focused on surviving - I’m starting a business, building connections, and working toward a future that once felt impossible. Through all of this, I’ve come to believe something I once heard in a TED Talk by Johann Hari: "The opposite of addiction is not sobriety. It’s connection."

I spent years isolating myself, believing that I was alone in my pain. But addiction feeds off isolation. And the only way to fight it is by reaching out, building relationships, and finding purpose beyond yourself.

If You’re Struggling, Hear This

If you’re stuck in addiction, feeling lost, feeling alone, I want you to know: You are not alone. The road to recovery is hard. It’s messy. But it is worth it. Start small. Find one thing that makes you feel good - really, truly good - and do more of that. Surround yourself with people who bring out the best in you. And most importantly, don’t give up on yourself. Because no matter how far you’ve fallen, you can rise again.